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6th Grade History Test Results

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Category : Academic, Just for Fun

The best humour is in the misspelling. Even funnier, read aloud to someone else!

  1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
  3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
  4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
  5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
  6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
  7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. While dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
  8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
  9. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
  10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
  12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  14. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
  15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
  16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
  17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
  18. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

‘Customer’ isn’t always right: market model could lead to disaster

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Category : Academic

Prevailing dogma could ruin the academy and produce a generation of dependent, unmotivated, risk-averse students, argues Neal Curtis

Current dogma states that all aspects of society should be subject to the principles and logic of marketisation, and part of this dogma – which is gaining wider currency within higher education – is the belief that quality can be improved through the adoption of the customer model. Fortunately, at the University of Nottingham, the particularity of the student-teacher relationship has not yet been subsumed by the misguided belief that learning is just another version of the more transcendental relation of supply and demand.

Of course I believe improvements can be made to my own teaching, and I know my colleagues commit a great deal of time to rethinking lectures – introducing new research and practical examples that help students to grasp the material we present.

We are committed to student feedback and to new technologies, and are not afraid to rewrite courses or even entire programmes in response to social and cultural changes and the ever-changing needs of students heading into a competitive jobs market.

However, this is all part of “old-school” pedagogy. We do not have to think of our students as customers to ensure our classes are interesting, informative and accessible.

Read full story in Times Higher Education.

Identifying the (Post)Graduate Student

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Category : Academic, Just for Fun

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A POSTGRADUATE STUDENT IF…

  • you can identify universities by their internet domains.
  • you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
  • you have difficulty reading anything that doesn’t have footnotes.
  • you understand jokes about Foucault.
  • the concept of free time scares you.
  • you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
  • you’ve ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
  • Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
  • the professor doesn’t show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
  • you’ve ever traveled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
  • you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
  • you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you’ll getover it).
  • you can read course books and cook at the same time.
  • you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
  • you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.
  • you’ve ever worn out a library card.
  • you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
  • you find yourself citing sources in conversation.
  • you’ve ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.
  • you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
  • your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
  • you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the internet.
  • you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to Read.
  • you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
  • you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
  • everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
  • you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
  • you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
  • there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider “yours.”
  • you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
  • you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
  • you look forward to summers because you’re more productive without the distraction of classes.
  • you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
  • you consider all papers to be works in progress.
  • professors don’t really care when you turn in work anymore.
  • you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
  • you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
  • you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
  • you reflexively start analyzing those Greek letters before you realize that it’s a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
  • you find yourself explaining to children that you are in “20th grade.”
  • you start referring to stories like “Snow White, et al.”
  • you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta withoutgetting scurvy.
  • you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
  • you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
  • you wonder whether APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as “personal communication”.

Yes – this might be Americanised, but do you realisise JUST how true some of this is! (My postgraduate project)

OPQ (Occupational Personality Questionnaire)

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Category : Career, Personality Profiling

The Occupational Personality Questionnaire (OPQ) provides in-depth information on how individuals fit within a work environment, how they will work with others and their performance potential against job competencies. I undertook the profiling soon after I accepted my redundancy payment from the University of Manchester.

“A real people person, very socially confident; sympathetic and considerate towards others, consults widely when making decisions; tries to understand motivations and behaviour (rather than facts/feelings), can take the lead when necessary, needs variety, has some interest in theoretical discussions, can adapt approach, can think strategically and at a level of detail, will persist to get the job done, has respect for rules & regulations, the nerves rise before important events, thrives on activity, dislikes competition – prefers taking part, takes time to make decisions.”

I feel like a marked man

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Category : Academic

This just rings SO true…

Undergraduate examinations drive Tim Birkhead to the therapist’s couch

I hate to say it, but I really dislike marking examination scripts. I’m not sure if this is unusual, but I feel I need some help…

Therapist: Lie down on the couch and tell me why you feel this way.

Me: I’ve just been asked to mark 500 essays in 24 hours. In principle I could do it, but it gives me only three minutes per script. Three minutes is barely enough time to decipher the unpractised scrawl that most undergraduates think of as writing, let alone write the paragraph justifying the mark I have awarded.

Each year the time frame gets shorter and shorter. There are more exams, more students and less time. Most of my colleagues are on teaching buyouts, so there are fewer and fewer of us to mark papers.

Read full “fictional” debate from Times Higher Education

Most PhDs desert academe

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Category : Academic, Career

More than half of UK PhD students quit academia for industry as soon as they get their qualifications, according to the first-ever detailed report on the early careers of those with doctorates. While the report will quash fears that PhD students are so specialised as to be unemployable, it will raise concerns about the future supply of academics.

The report, What Do PhDs Do?, from the UK GRAD programme, found that about 60 per cent of UK PhDs in physical, engineering and biomedical sciences leave academia, compared with about 30 to 35 per cent of arts, humanities, social science and economic PhDs. The report says that over time these proportions increase as, for example, PhDs on short-term postdoctoral positions move into other employment sectors. Report author Ellen Pearce said: “The figures will raise serious issues about how universities retain PhD students and sustain the teaching base of UK universities.”

The report, which analyses what UK rather than overseas PhD students do, found the students to be highly employable. Nearly three-quarters got jobs – in or outside academia – six months after graduating. This compared with 69 per cent of masters students and 61 per cent of undergraduates. UK PhDs are about 50 per cent less likely to be unemployed (3.2 per cent) than first-degree graduates (6.6 per cent).

“It is hard to say whether this is brain drain or brain circulation,” Ms Pearce said.

The report also found that the percentage of female PhD graduates had increased from 40 per cent in 1999 to 46 per cent in 2003. In all, 12,520 research students were awarded PhDs in 2003. Between 1999 and 2003, there was a 31 per cent rise in the number of PhD students registering for their final year.

“We interviewed employers from different sectors and found them to be highly enthusiastic about PhD students,” said Ms Pearce. “Their response puts all the emphasis on transferable skills into perspective. It is clear that PhD students have a high value in the market.”

Stephen Court, senior research officer for the Association of University Teachers, said there had been a sharp decline in the number of young entrants to academia coming from the UK.

“It is not surprising that a high proportion of people with PhDs do not choose a career in higher education,” he said. “Universities are finding that the prospect of fixed-term contracts and the low pay they offer are extremely unattractive to potential academics.”

In 2002, Sir Gareth Roberts’ report SET for Success put in motion a major programme of transferable skills training for PhD students.

Morgan Kavanagh, a director at recruitment consultants Huxley Finance, said: “We recruit for clients who require high-level quantative skills, so we look only at PhDs – first-degree graduates simply can’t compete.

“PhDs are much more sophisticated in their thinking and have a broader toolkit of skills to draw on in the demanding roles we place them in.”

The general manager in a private engineering firm said: “We’ve found that PhD graduates have a combination of maturity and autonomy that is more useful for our work than engineering graduates with a similar length of experience in industry.”

Jocelyn Prudence, chief executive of the Universities Colleges and Employers Association, said: “Higher education recognises that recruitment and retention of academics is a vital area and for that reason the framework agreement on pay modernisation addresses work-life balance, career development and renumeration. These have been shown to be the most important issues people consider when making decisions about their working life. The framework will deliver on all three. Real progress is already being made to offer postgraduates an academic career that is both attractive and fulfilling.”

The UK GRAD report shows that 38 per cent of PhDs are in the biosciences, 33 per cent in the physical sciences (including engineering), 14 per cent in the arts and humanities, and 11 per cent in the social sciences. Some 4 per cent of PhDs were doing theses in other areas such as education.

Taken from the Times Higher Education Supplement
Claire Sanders
Published: 08 October 2004

Student Mistakes

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Category : Academic, Just for Fun

GRAMMAR SCHOOL STUDENTS ON MUSIC:

  • The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
  • Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
  • All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
  • Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven’s Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin’s Rap City in Blue.
  • Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
  • A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
  • Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
  • Probably the most marvellous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
  • A harp is a nude piano.
  • The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
  • I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.
  • Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

  • Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
  • Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
  • The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
  • Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
  • The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
  • The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
  • To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  • Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
  • The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
  • Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
  • A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  • A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
  • When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
  • For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  • For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
  • When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Miscellaneous:

“When you’re in a committed relationship and spend all of your time with one person, that’s called being magnanimous.”

Embrace this high level of industry engagement – it can benefit us all

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Category : Academic

The influence of industry on the curriculum has never been greater, says Frazer Mackenzie, but it is far more positive than simply creating a workforce

There has been a relentless drive from the Government, quality assurance agencies and others to place “employability” at the centre of the university curriculum.

As public funding continues to be squeezed and the reality of carrying large loans into working life hits the first wave of variable fee-paying undergraduates entering the employment market, we can be certain that qualifications demonstrably aligned to industry partners and key employment skills will become even more important to students when making university choices. Some would say this is nothing new. The challenge associated with delivering a well-rounded higher education experience, while ensuring that our students develop the necessary skills to make a living, has been at the heart of the enormous growth in higher education during the past decade.

Read full story in Times Higher Education.

Jaunty Goose Images

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Category : Inspirational

I have long been hankering after one of Cherry’s beautiful photos, which have been featured/won awards in newspaper articles. I just can’t decide which I’d really like, but definitely lean towards the Summer Jewels section!

“Mounted prints, canvases and images for business are available from £9.99 + p&p.”

Particular favourites:

PhD Skills

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Category : Academic, Career

Postgraduates do not realise how employable they are. Pat Cryer explains how to get well paid job.

“Students often give up when they realise how few jobs there are in their specialism. Believing they have nothing else to offer they end up jobless.”

The long haul is over and the prospect of lucrative job offers are an enticing alternative to months of solitary confinement in the research laboratory. Yet very few PhD students do themselves justice in the job market, often under-selling themselves to prospective employers because they fail to appreciate the value of the special skills they have honed during their research.

Surprisingly few doctoral students are aware of their employability. They often give up when they realise how few jobs are on offer in their specialist area. Believing they have nothing to offer elsewhere, they end up depressed and jobless.

Others cannot see beyond their contribution to their field of study. But most employers do not view findings at the frontiers of knowledge as relevant to their business, except in rare cases.

In order to be more attractive to employers and to prepare for a wider range of careers, PhD students need to thing further than their subject expertise. They need to be able to sell those skills and abilities developed during the process of the PhD, and which are valued in wider settings – the so-called transferable skills.

The Association of Graduate Recruiters in its reports, Skills for the Twenty-First Century, suggests that graduates who are most attractive to employers will possess transferable skills in four broad areas: specialist, generalist, self-reliance, and teamwork.

Specialist skills are easily recognised. Therefore a great deal of work has to be done to shed light on the skills in the other three areas, largely due to the Employment Department’s Enterprise in Higher Education Initiative, but it has been almost entirely for undergraduates. Little work has been done on what additional skills it is reasonable to expect at PhD level. There are a few transferable skills which employers would value, and which it is reasonable to expect from postgraduates. The crucial point about these skills is that they should develop naturally, as part of the PhD process. Students, who are aware of these additional skills should have a competitive edge. Furthermore, in jobs outside their specialisms, they should attract higher salaries than applicants without PhDs. All PhD students will, by the time they finish, have spent three or more years on their research, with its various highs and lows. This feat should develop the transferable skill of being able to see any prolonged task or project through to completion. It should include, to varying extents which depend on the discipline and the research topic, the abilities to plan, to allocate time and money, and to trouble-shoot.

In addition, the PhD research needs to keep up with the subject, to be flexible and able to change direction. The abilities to think laterally and creatively and to develop alternative approaches are also highly necessary. Adaptability is highly valued by employers who need people to anticipate and lead change in a fast-moving world, yet resist it where it is only for its own sake. All PhD students should have learned to set their work in a wider field of knowledge. The process requires an extensive study of literature and should develop the transferable skills of being able to sift through large quantities of information, to take on board other points of view, challenge premises, question procedures and interpret meaning.

All PhD students have to be able to present their work through seminars, progress reports and their thesis. Seminars should develop confident presentation, and group discussion skills. Dealing with criticism and presenting cases ought to be second nature. Report and thesis-writing should develop the skills needed for composing reports, manuals and press releases and for summarising bulky documents.

The doctoral road can be lonely, particularly in the humanities and social sciences. Yet the skills of coping with isolation are transferable and can be valued highly by employers. They include self-direction; self-discipline; self-motivation; resilience; tenacity and the abilities to prioritise and juggle a number of tasks at once. Students working on group projects should be able to claim advance team-working skills.

Further examples of transferable skills are many and depend on the interests of the student and the nature of research. Think about advanced computer literacy, facility with the Internet, and the ability to teach effectively. Negotiation skills in accessing resources can be highly sought after. And doctoral students used to networking with others, using project management techniques, and finding their way round specialist libraries or archives.

Since transferable skills of the type I have suggested should be developed naturally during the PhD, the problem for students does normally not lie in acquiring them, but in appreciating the full scope of what they are, in recognising the extent to which they have been acquired and in being able to demonstrate them to potential employers.

How much better it would be if PhD students could be made aware of their exciting and developing transferable skills as a regular ongoing part of their PhD. This would need only modest amounts of time and money. At institutional level, probably all this would need would be overt encouragement.

The main action would start at the level of the department or research group, to develop a checklist of possible transferable skills along the lines described above, but with an emphasis appropriate for the discipline. Supervisors as well as students would need to contribute to this task, so as to use all the available experience, enthusiasm and creativity. There would then need to be small but regular inputs of awareness raising activities, possibly within supervisions, or as part of a departmental seminar series, or provided centrally, perhaps by a graduate school.

To reach the largest number of students successfully, the provision must be integrated into their PhD programmes, so that supervisors, tutors and heads of department regard it as mainstream rather than peripheral. Bolt-on extras have little appeal as they do not contribute directly to the students’ main aim which is to complete the PhD. Ideally any such provision would also help students to show that they have acquired their transferable skills. There may be a case for a small portfolio containing, for example, photographs of press cuttings, etc. showing the student’s involvement in key activities; products or results of research, or plans, photographs or sketches representing them; and documentation of any special awards or commendations. Very little of this is done at the moment. This is both surprising and unfortunate. It is surprising since training in transferable skills is not uncommon at PhD level. Many PhD students, particularly in large departments in science and professional subjects, are trained in those transferable skills which now have general currency at undergraduate level. Also many PhD students are trained, via an institutional careers service, in the skills for career progression, such as researching the job-market, making applications and performing well in interviews and selection tests.

The lack of provision of the sort I envisage is unfortunate because it would require only modest resourcing and would be highly cost-effective in terms of raising the self-esteem of those PhD students who believe they have little to offer employers outside their field; improving the employment prospects of all participating students; and benefiting society by enabling employers to utilise expertise that they might not otherwise know existed.

At the time of writing Pat Cryer was a senior visiting professor at University College London and the originator and convenor of the Postgraduate Issues Network of the Society for Research into Higher Education. She is now Honorary Professor for Research Student and Supervisor Support and Training at the University of Winchester, so I hope to get the benefit of her wisdom next year.

The Times Higher: Research Opportunities. May 16 1997 p.1