GRAMMAR SCHOOL STUDENTS ON MUSIC:

• The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
• Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
• All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
• Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven’s Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin’s Rap City in Blue.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
• Probably the most marvellous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
• I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.
• Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

• Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
• Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
• The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
• The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
• The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
• To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
• Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
• The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
• Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
• A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
• A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
• When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
• For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
• To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
• For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
• When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Miscellaneous:

“When you’re in a committed relationship and spend all of your time with one person, that’s called being magnanimous.”