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Microsoft Cars

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Category : Just for Fun

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating(by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  • For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
  • Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  • Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  • Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought”Car95″ or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
  • The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
  • New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  • The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
  • Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
  • GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
  • Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  • You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

Dear Boss…

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Category : Just for Fun

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

Signed, X

The Story Of Stuff

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Category : Charity & Social Action

Awesome video challenging us to think about the use of bottled water… I buy a couple of bottles each month to refill, maybe I should invest in a couple of refillables and some Milton :-)

Interviews

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Category : Career, Just for Fun

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. In a survey top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

1. “… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

2. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

3. ” A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

4. “… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

5. “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.”

6. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

7. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

8. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”

9. “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”

10. “… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

11. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

12. “While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”

13. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

14. “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.” He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more. “I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”

15. “His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”

16. “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

17. “… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security,”

18. “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

Cannibalism aka “Get to know the cleaners”

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Category : Just for Fun

Five cannibals get appointed as consultants in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees”.

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared, however. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?”

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: “You FOOL! For four weeks we’ve been eating directors, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!”

Just Checking In

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Category : Christian

A minister passing through his church
in the middle of the day,
Decided to pause by the altar
and see who had come to pray.

Just then the back door opened,
a man came down the aisle,
The minister frowned as he saw
the man hadn’t shaved in a while.

His shirt was kinda shabby
and his coat was worn and frayed,
the man knelt, he bowed his head,
Then rose and walked away.

In the days that followed,
each noon time came this chap,
each time he knelt just for a moment,
A lunch pail in his lap.

Well, the minister’s suspicions grew,
with robbery a main fear,
So he decided to stop the man and ask him,
“What are you doing here?”

The old man said, he worked down the road.
Lunch was half an hour.
Lunchtime was his prayer time,
For finding strength and power.

“I stay only moments, see,
because the factory is so far away;
as I kneel here talking to the Lord,
This is kinda what I say:

“I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD,
HOW HAPPY I’VE BEEN,
SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER’S FRIENDSHIP
AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN.
DON’T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY,
BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.
SO, JESUS, THIS IS JIM
CHECKING IN TODAY.”

The minister feeling foolish,
told Jim, that was fine.
He told the man he was welcome
To come and pray just anytime..

Time to go, Jim smiled, said “Thanks.”
He hurried to the door.
The minister knelt at the altar,
he’d never done it before.

His cold heart melted, warmed with love,
and met with Jesus there.
As the tears flowed, in his heart,
he repeated old Jim’s prayer:

“I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD,
HOW HAPPY I’VE BEEN,
SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER’S FRIENDSHIP
AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN.
I DON’T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I
THINK ABOUT YOU
EVERYDAY.
SO, JESUS, THIS IS ME CHECKING IN TODAY.”

Past noon one day, the minister noticed
that old Jim hadn’t come.
As more days passed without Jim,
he began to worry some.

At the factory, he asked about him,
learning he was ill.
The hospital staff was worried,
But he’d given them a thrill.

The week that Jim was with them,
Brought changes in the ward.
His smiles, a joy contagious.
Changed people, were his reward .

The head nurse couldn’t understand
why Jim was so glad,
when no flowers, calls or cards came,
Not a visitor he had.

The minister stayed by his bed,
He voiced the nurse’s concern:
No friends came to show they cared.
He had nowhere to turn.

Looking surprised,
old Jim spoke up and with a winsome smile;
“the nurse is wrong, she couldn’t know, that in here all the while
everyday at noon He’s here, a dear friend of mine, you see,

He sits right down, takes my hand,
Leans over and says to me:

“I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, JIM,
HOW HAPPY I HAVE BEEN,
SINCE WE FOUND THIS FRIENDSHIP,
AND I TOOK AWAY YOUR SIN.
ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY,
I THINK ABOUT YOU EACH DAY,
AND SO JIM, THIS IS JESUS
CHECKING IN TODAY.”

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. May God hold you in the palm of His hand and Angels watch over you.

But for those of us who are already His, He not only holds us in the palm of His hand, but has engraved our names there, and we are continual ly in His sight (Isaiah 49:16)

If you aren’t ashamed to do this, please follow the directions. Jesus said, ” If you are ashamed of me,” I will be ashamed of you before my Father.” If you are not ashamed Pass this on . .. .only if you mean it. Yes, I do love God. He is my source of existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and everyday. Without Him, I will be nothing. Without him, I am nothing but with Him

“I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me.” Phil 4:13

THIS IS THE BIT OF THIS I DON’T LIKE… CHAIN LETTERS OF ANY SORT…

This is the simplest test . . . if you Love God, and are not ashamed of all the marvelous things he has done for you, think about passing this on!

Coaching for the PGCLTHE

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Category : Academic, Career, Coaching

Later today I will be giving the following presentation, which is an assignment towards my Postgraduate Certificate in Learning and Teaching. The event is being filmed as we experiment with possibilities for giving more than text feedback on events..

Once the event is over, I have until 1st April to provide a 1500 write-up, echoing the content in the presentation, but also taking into account questions/responses from the audience, which I anticipate to include most of the LTDU, within which I have my role as Blended Learning Fellow. I will then start work on my conference paper for the Hertfordshire Blended Learning Conference, which will count towards another assignment for the Blended Learning module (which I will be teaching next year). Over the summer I will then complete my portfolio in time for September submission… I can then look out for other personal development courses of interest, including training myself up as a PhD supervisor… I’ve really been enjoying supervising Final Year Projects, so it’s the next natural step, right?

Celebrate

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Category : Just for Fun

A monk his entire adult life, Brother Andrew was responsible for training new scribes in the art of copying by hand — word for word — the holy writs. One day an eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake.

“Oh no,” said Brother Andrew. “These words have always been correctly copied from generation to generation.” Skeptical, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Andrew how he knew. “My son,” said Brother Andrew as he shuffled off toward the monastery’s library, “let me get you the first volume ever written, and you will see that it is just as correct today as it was then.”

Many hours passed. Finally Brother Jonathan decided he had better check on the elderly monk. At the library, he spotted Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. “What’s the matter?” Brother Jonathan asked.

“I can’t believe it,” Brother Andrew responded, his voice quivering with emotion. “The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!”

Coaching in Higher Education: How Training as a life coach has affected the way I teach

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Category : Academic, Career

Below is the abstract from a 20-minute presentation I will be giving on Wednesday as a part of my assessment towards my PGCLTHE. When the other assessments are complete, which they will be this summer, I will become a Fellow of the Higher Education Academy.

Since the 1990s the field of coaching has grown in professionalism, and now affects most business sectors. Having taught in Higher Education since 1998, in 2009 I trained as a life coach. Drawing upon the work of Kerslake, Whitmore, Parsloe & Leedham, and Draper this presentation offers a reflective consideration of implementing coaching practices. With a particular interest in facilitating group work in seminars, the presentation considers how exploiting learning and personality styles, and offering encouragement, improves student engagement with the process.

Dr Bex Lewis”

If you are on campus on that day and are interested in attending, let me know!

Athiest

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Category : Christian, Just for Fun

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all the accidents that evolution had created. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried: “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer? “The atheist looked directly into the light: “It would be hypocritical of me to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?” “Very well” said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed…..and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed its head and spoke: “Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”