In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is rife with stupidity, here are some actual label instructions from various international consumer products.

On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
(Darn, what am I gonna use now???)

On a helmet-mounted mirror used by American cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In an American guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

On a packet of American Sunmaid raisins:
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

On an American Sears hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of American Fritos-brand Corn Chips:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter’s special!)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor:
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I’m curious!)

On British Sainsbury’s peanuts:
WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I’m glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw;
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a Canadian child’s Superman costume:
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On some British frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

On a British Boot’s “Children’s” Cough Medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

On a British Nytol Sleep Aid Tablets label:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)

On British Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

Below are genuine announcements made by tube drivers, on the London Underground.

To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

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At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): “Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I’m going home.”

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“Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels”

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“Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?” “The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card.”
“The bad news is that there is a point’s failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won’t reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won’t reverse back up the line – simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you.” “Let me start you off: “Hi, my name’s Gary how do you do?”"

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“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any”.

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“Please mind the closing doors…” The doors close…The doors open. “Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let’s try it again, shall we? Please stand clear of the doors.” The doors close… “Thank you.”

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“I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don’t know when we’ll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly…usually in bits.”

• At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
• Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
• Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
• Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
• In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors.’
• Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
• Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
• Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
• Dont use any punctuation
• As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
• Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
• Sing along at the opera.
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
• Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3.”
• Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
• Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
• Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
• Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.
• Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
• When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!”
• When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
• Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do.”
• Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
• Every time you see a broom, yell “Honey, your mother is here!”

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity….
Send this list to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.