#BigRead13: Day 3: Humour

I love today’s thought in #BigRead13 – the fact that whereas yesterday we had strong grief, today we have humour, laughter and all that comes with that!

“For jokes as well as justice come with speech”

New Living Translation (©2007) (Psalm 126:2)
We were filled with laughter, and we sang for joy. And the other nations said, “What amazing things the LORD has done for them.”

Reminds me of:

WIth great power comes great responsibility. - Stan Lee

We have been given the powerful role of walking, talking. communicating creatures, and there’s so much we can do with others. Our responsibility includes making life more cheerful for people eh? Not always moaning about how busy we are (#notbusy - so I need to head home shortly and chill for a bit) but seeking the joy in life and seeking to share that joy. Reminds me again of thankfulness diaries (which happens to be @40Acts action for today too: ““Count your blessings, name them one by one”!). Partly why I love Anglican Memes so much – gives me regular chuckles! And the aptly named Merry is dragging me out to the pub tonight before I completely drown in work! Leave my brain free for #digitalparenting book research tomorrow :-)

Remembering to laugh more is always good, but not in a false way, just being in situations that encourage laughter – and some of the worst situations can still cause laughter… even at funerals, watery chuckles reminds us of the good times with that person. God is with us in our pain, and in our laughter – pretty cool, eh?

The links continue as Brian Draper suggests that “But if we start this Lent looking for the best of what is, we will see more about seeing” – so we’re looking for the best, looking for the things to be thankful and joyful about .. whilst #lentphotos# looks for a space to reflect – again we could be reflecting on the good things – and I chose one that Brian had introduced me to! Whilst @pamjweb is inspired to seek ‘the imprint of God‘ in everything.

#Do1NiceThing

#Do1NiceThing Lent challenge for today – Call in on an elderly neighbour – take some cake, have a cup of tea and a chat… #OthersRWorthIt

Pray: We thank you that we can have times of laughter in our everyday lives, and pray also that we would remember that with that joy comes responsibility for justice.

Don’t know shit?

http://12baskets.co.uk/view/images/heavens_door_opened

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.

“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

A warning to all “evangelists” whether Christian, Atheiest, or other… 

Ionic, isn’t it? @timeshighered

http://www.sxc.hu/photo/731014

What a brilliant idea …:

Academics from physicists to experts on Scandinavian culture are crafting stand-up comedy routines based on their work. But this is no joke. Matthew Reisz finds that a crowd’s laughter is not the only payoff

Here’s an idea of the content:

The nominal theme, tying in with a major exhibition, Power of Making, is “craft”, though the audience could not possibly have guessed it. Performers explore Tory drinking rituals and the “extreme decollete fashions” of the 17th century; pubic hair loss during the menopause; the importance of anti-Catholic fart humour in the early development of printing; the difficulties of translating Danish jokes into English; and the history of racist comedy (the speaker warns the audience in advance that “because this is a national institution, I’m not allowed to tell you the punchlines”).

A PhD student offers a glimpse of his lonely life: “Today is Tuesday, the day after University Challenge, when I get a chance to spend some quality time with Jeremy Paxman.” There is also a song about dinosaurs in Westminster and a polka-dotted cabaret duo, not to mention the occasional groan-worthy one-liner (“Anyone seen Ralph Fiennes in The Tempest? It’s going down a storm”).

And here’s the rationale:

As head of public engagement at UCL, Cross created his academic comedy nights in response to a specific challenge: to find a way of engaging with people in “the great demographic gap” between the ages of 20 and 40. “Universities have been very good at schools outreach and at getting academics on to Radio 4,” he explains, “but we haven’t been so good at reaching the market in between.” Many museums and cultural institutions face a similar problem.

So how could they get “an audience to turn up and listen to members of the university sharing their research, teaching and knowledge in a meaningful, interactive way, face to face and not through a facilitator”? Cross and his team talked to people who ran theatre, music and comedy nights. “We wanted something with content that would attract an audience beyond those already working and studying in universities. The thing we came up with was stand-up comedy – because of the rise of intelligent comedy, because researchers can learn to perform to a good standard relatively quickly, and because you can make anything funny.”

Read the full story and check out ‘Bright Club‘ on Facebook

#bible, Spoiler Alert…

What more do I need to say..?! Reminds me of when Titanic was out, and the common term was “It sinks…” Working on the @bigbible project as part of the #biblefresh initiative, to tackle that which is indicated by this picture – as Jeremy Paxman pointed out – that Bible knowledge is getting weaker in our culture.  Even Richard Dawkins thinks that to understand Western culture, the Bible needs to be read and understood… Found via ‘Paper.Li‘ (which made me realise how little control I have over what it says…):

“Oh so true”

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world

Stupid Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is rife with stupidity, here are some actual label instructions from various international consumer products.

On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
(Darn, what am I gonna use now???)

On a helmet-mounted mirror used by American cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In an American guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

On a packet of American Sunmaid raisins:
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

On an American Sears hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of American Fritos-brand Corn Chips:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter’s special!)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor:
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I’m curious!)

On British Sainsbury’s peanuts:
WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I’m glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw;
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a Canadian child’s Superman costume:
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On some British frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

On a British Boot’s “Children’s” Cough Medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

On a British Nytol Sleep Aid Tablets label:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)

On British Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

Read the Signs

  • On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
  • Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
  • In a Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
  • On Maternity Room door: “Push, Push, Push.”
  • At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
  • At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
  • Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
  • Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
  • At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the next dents?”
  • In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”
  • In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
  • On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”
  • At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
  • On the side of a Garbage Truck: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”
  • On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”
  • In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”
  • Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”
  • In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.
  • A shop owner put this sign in his window, “Lovely glass paper-weights. The best way to keep your household bills down.”
  • Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”
  • In a repair shop: “We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.”
  • In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
  • On a bumper sticker: Keep honking, I’m reloading.
  • In a classified ad: “Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.”
  • In a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
  • At the dry cleaners: “We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.”
  • In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”
  • In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
  • On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”
  • In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
  • In a classified ad: “Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”
  • In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”
  • On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
    “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
    – Sisters of Mercy”
  • Pinned to an Army barracks door: “Shut the door, stupid! Not you, sir.”
  • On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”
  • In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”
  • In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”
  • Bumper sticker seen on an Austin Mini: “The parts falling from this car are of the finest British workmanship.”
  • In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”
  • On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
  • On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

London Underground Announcements

Below are genuine announcements made by tube drivers, on the London Underground.

To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

**********************************************************

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): “Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I’m going home.”

**************************************************

“Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels”

**************************************************

“Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?” “The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card.”
“The bad news is that there is a point’s failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won’t reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won’t reverse back up the line – simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you.” “Let me start you off: “Hi, my name’s Gary how do you do?””

***********************************************

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any”.

***********************************************

“Please mind the closing doors…” The doors close…The doors open. “Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let’s try it again, shall we? Please stand clear of the doors.” The doors close… “Thank you.”

************************************************

“I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don’t know when we’ll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly…usually in bits.”

Travel Agent’s Tales

The following are actual stories provided by (American) travel agents:

  • I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
  • A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
  • I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one,I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa.” Her response … click.
  • A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
  • I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”
  • Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
  • A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very, very fast, and she bought that!
  • A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” she said. “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the Airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘looked into it’ (I was actually laughing,) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
  • I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”
  • A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
  • A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, “Look,I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
  • A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity

  • At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  • Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
  • Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  • Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  • Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
  • Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  • Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  • In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors.’
  • Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
  • Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
  • Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
  • Dont use any punctuation
  • As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
  • Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
  • Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3.”
  • Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  • Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
  • Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
  • Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.
  • Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
  • When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!”
  • When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
  • Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do.”
  • Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
  • Every time you see a broom, yell “Honey, your mother is here!”

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity….
Send this list to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Crazy Legal Cases

  • January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson’s son.
  • June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
  • October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
  • October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AK was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
  • May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
  • December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady’s room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.

Love to hear more of these…

Movie Humour

Things you would never know without the movies:

  • When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
  • If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade – at any time of year.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his (sic) star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
  • A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
  • All grocery bags contain at least one baguette.
  • It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
  • During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
  • The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
  • You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their families every morning even though their husbands and children never have time to eat it.
  • Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
  • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  • A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
  • Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
  • Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
  • It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  • It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  • When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
  • No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
  • Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
  • You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
  • Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
  • Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that they are aired.
  • No matter what the person(s) in the movie do for a living, everyone has a beautifully furnished, clean home, a new vehicle and a well-to-do wardrobe.
  • Everyone has a well-stocked liquor cabinet. The ice never seems to melt. It’s just always there.
  • If someone says, “I’ll be right back.” they won’t.
  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
  • Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  • Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
  • One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
  • Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  • When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
  • If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
  • Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
  • Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
  • During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  • If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

Beautiful Women

Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8:She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can’t go to school looking like this!)

Age 20: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short /too tall,too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going out anyway.

Age 30: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short / too tall,too straight/too curly” – but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it so she’s going out anyway.

Age 40: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,too straight/too curly” – but says,”At least, I am “clean” and goes out anyway.

Age 50: She looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70:She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends. Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier. Please send this to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women’s Month. If you do, something good will happen: you will boost another woman’s self esteem.

Microsoft Cars

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating(by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  • For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
  • Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  • Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  • Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought”Car95″ or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
  • The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
  • New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  • The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
  • Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
  • GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
  • Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  • You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

Dear Boss…

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

Signed, X