drbexl.co.uk » humour

Ionic, isn’t it? @timeshighered

drbexl — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 18:41:55 +0000

http://www.sxc.hu/photo/731014

What a brilliant idea …:

Academics from physicists to experts on Scandinavian culture are crafting stand-up comedy routines based on their work. But this is no joke. Matthew Reisz finds that a crowd’s laughter is not the only payoff

Here’s an idea of the content:

The nominal theme, tying in with a major exhibition, Power of Making, is “craft”, though the audience could not possibly have guessed it. Performers explore Tory drinking rituals and the “extreme decollete fashions” of the 17th century; pubic hair loss during the menopause; the importance of anti-Catholic fart humour in the early development of printing; the difficulties of translating Danish jokes into English; and the history of racist comedy (the speaker warns the audience in advance that “because this is a national institution, I’m not allowed to tell you the punchlines”).

A PhD student offers a glimpse of his lonely life: “Today is Tuesday, the day after University Challenge, when I get a chance to spend some quality time with Jeremy Paxman.” There is also a song about dinosaurs in Westminster and a polka-dotted cabaret duo, not to mention the occasional groan-worthy one-liner (“Anyone seen Ralph Fiennes in The Tempest? It’s going down a storm”).

And here’s the rationale:

As head of public engagement at UCL, Cross created his academic comedy nights in response to a specific challenge: to find a way of engaging with people in “the great demographic gap” between the ages of 20 and 40. “Universities have been very good at schools outreach and at getting academics on to Radio 4,” he explains, “but we haven’t been so good at reaching the market in between.” Many museums and cultural institutions face a similar problem.

So how could they get “an audience to turn up and listen to members of the university sharing their research, teaching and knowledge in a meaningful, interactive way, face to face and not through a facilitator”? Cross and his team talked to people who ran theatre, music and comedy nights. “We wanted something with content that would attract an audience beyond those already working and studying in universities. The thing we came up with was stand-up comedy – because of the rise of intelligent comedy, because researchers can learn to perform to a good standard relatively quickly, and because you can make anything funny.”

Read the full story and check out ‘Bright Club‘ on Facebook

How to Speak Christianese (thanks @philritchie)

drbexl — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 19:46:56 +0000

See where Phil originally posted this…

The @Oatmeal

drbexl — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 13:20:55 +0000

The site ‘The Oatmeal‘ is awesome – a complete timesuck, but nearly every one makes me laugh! I think this set is so appropriate for students, I have decided to buy, and think will put up for students to look at in the first session of teaching…

#bible, Spoiler Alert…

drbexl — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 12:14:24 +0000

What more do I need to say..?! Reminds me of when Titanic was out, and the common term was “It sinks…” Working on the @bigbible project as part of the #biblefresh initiative, to tackle that which is indicated by this picture – as Jeremy Paxman pointed out – that Bible knowledge is getting weaker in our culture. Even Richard Dawkins thinks that to understand Western culture, the Bible needs to be read and understood… Found via ‘Paper.Li‘ (which made me realise how little control I have over what it says…):

“Oh so true”

drbexl — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 09:16:16 +0000

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world

Stupid Instructions

drbexl — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 09:08:30 +0000

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is rife with stupidity, here are some actual label instructions from various international consumer products.

On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
(Darn, what am I gonna use now???)

On a helmet-mounted mirror used by American cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In an American guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

On a packet of American Sunmaid raisins:
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

On an American Sears hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of American Fritos-brand Corn Chips:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter’s special!)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor:
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I’m curious!)

On British Sainsbury’s peanuts:
WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I’m glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw;
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a Canadian child’s Superman costume:
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On some British frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

On a British Boot’s “Children’s” Cough Medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

On a British Nytol Sleep Aid Tablets label:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)

On British Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

Read the Signs

drbexl — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 09:07:50 +0000

On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
In a Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On Maternity Room door: “Push, Push, Push.”
At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the next dents?”
In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”
At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
On the side of a Garbage Truck: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”
On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”
In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”
Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.
A shop owner put this sign in his window, “Lovely glass paper-weights. The best way to keep your household bills down.”
Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”
In a repair shop: “We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.”
In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
On a bumper sticker: Keep honking, I’m reloading.
In a classified ad: “Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.”
In a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
At the dry cleaners: “We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.”
In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”
In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
In a classified ad: “Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”
In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
“Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
- Sisters of Mercy”
Pinned to an Army barracks door: “Shut the door, stupid! Not you, sir.”
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”
In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”
In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”
Bumper sticker seen on an Austin Mini: “The parts falling from this car are of the finest British workmanship.”
In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”
On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

London Underground Announcements

drbexl — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 09:05:26 +0000

Below are genuine announcements made by tube drivers, on the London Underground.

To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

**********************************************************

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): “Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I’m going home.”

**************************************************

“Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels”

**************************************************

“Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?” “The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card.”
“The bad news is that there is a point’s failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won’t reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won’t reverse back up the line – simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you.” “Let me start you off: “Hi, my name’s Gary how do you do?”"

***********************************************

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any”.

***********************************************

“Please mind the closing doors…” The doors close…The doors open. “Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let’s try it again, shall we? Please stand clear of the doors.” The doors close… “Thank you.”

************************************************

“I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don’t know when we’ll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly…usually in bits.”

Travel Agent’s Tales

drbexl — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 09:03:17 +0000

The following are actual stories provided by (American) travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one,I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa.” Her response … click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very, very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” she said. “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the Airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘looked into it’ (I was actually laughing,) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”
A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, “Look,I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

Teenagers – Act Now

drbexl — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 20:48:20 +0000

Great image provided by Penny Ley!