Great image provided by Penny Ley!
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- At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
- Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
- Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors.’
- Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
- Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
- Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
- Dont use any punctuation
- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
- Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
- Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3.”
- Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
- Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
- Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
- Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.
- Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
- When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!”
- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
- Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do.”
- Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
- Every time you see a broom, yell “Honey, your mother is here!”
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity….
Send this list to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
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- January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson’s son.
- June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
- October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
- October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AK was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
- May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
- December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady’s room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.
Love to hear more of these…
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Things you would never know without the movies:
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When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
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If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade – at any time of year.
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All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
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The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his (sic) star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
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A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
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All grocery bags contain at least one baguette.
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It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
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During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
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The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
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The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
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All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
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You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
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Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.
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A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
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When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
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If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
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Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their families every morning even though their husbands and children never have time to eat it.
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Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
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All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
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A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
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Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
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Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
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It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
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Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
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It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
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It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
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When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
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No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
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Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
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You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
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Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
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Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that they are aired.
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No matter what the person(s) in the movie do for a living, everyone has a beautifully furnished, clean home, a new vehicle and a well-to-do wardrobe.
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Everyone has a well-stocked liquor cabinet. The ice never seems to melt. It’s just always there.
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If someone says, “I’ll be right back.” they won’t.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
- One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
- Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
- If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
- Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
- During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
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Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
Age 8:She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can’t go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short /too tall,too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going out anyway.
Age 30: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short / too tall,too straight/too curly” – but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it so she’s going out anyway.
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,too straight/too curly” – but says,”At least, I am “clean” and goes out anyway.
Age 50: She looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70:She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.
Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends. Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier. Please send this to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women’s Month. If you do, something good will happen: you will boost another woman’s self esteem.
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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating(by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
- For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
- Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought”Car95″ or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
- The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
- The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
- Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
- GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
- Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
- You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.
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1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
Signed, X
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Five cannibals get appointed as consultants in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees”.
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared, however. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?”
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: “You FOOL! For four weeks we’ve been eating directors, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!”
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A monk his entire adult life, Brother Andrew was responsible for training new scribes in the art of copying by hand — word for word — the holy writs. One day an eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake.
“Oh no,” said Brother Andrew. “These words have always been correctly copied from generation to generation.” Skeptical, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Andrew how he knew. “My son,” said Brother Andrew as he shuffled off toward the monastery’s library, “let me get you the first volume ever written, and you will see that it is just as correct today as it was then.”
Many hours passed. Finally Brother Jonathan decided he had better check on the elderly monk. At the library, he spotted Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. “What’s the matter?” Brother Jonathan asked.
“I can’t believe it,” Brother Andrew responded, his voice quivering with emotion. “The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!”
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To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, my brother Frank’s Church is going to have a special No Excuse Sunday.
- Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say that Sunday is the only day they can sleep in.
- We will have steel helmets for those who say the roof would cave in if they ever came to church.
- Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
- We will have hearing aids for those who say the Pastor speaks too softly – and cotton for those who say he preached too loudly.
- Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
- Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays.
- There will be TV dinners for those who can’t go to church and cook dinner too.
- One section will be devoted to trees and grass for all those who like to seek God in nature.
- Finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.
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