“Oh so true”

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world

Stupid Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is rife with stupidity, here are some actual label instructions from various international consumer products.

On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
(Darn, what am I gonna use now???)

On a helmet-mounted mirror used by American cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In an American guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

On a packet of American Sunmaid raisins:
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

On an American Sears hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of American Fritos-brand Corn Chips:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter’s special!)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor:
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I’m curious!)

On British Sainsbury’s peanuts:
WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I’m glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw;
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a Canadian child’s Superman costume:
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On some British frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

On a British Boot’s “Children’s” Cough Medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

On a British Nytol Sleep Aid Tablets label:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)

On British Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

Read the Signs

  • On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
  • Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
  • In a Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
  • On Maternity Room door: “Push, Push, Push.”
  • At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
  • At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
  • Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
  • Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
  • At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the next dents?”
  • In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”
  • In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
  • On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”
  • At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
  • On the side of a Garbage Truck: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”
  • On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”
  • In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”
  • Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”
  • In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.
  • A shop owner put this sign in his window, “Lovely glass paper-weights. The best way to keep your household bills down.”
  • Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”
  • In a repair shop: “We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.”
  • In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
  • On a bumper sticker: Keep honking, I’m reloading.
  • In a classified ad: “Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.”
  • In a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
  • At the dry cleaners: “We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.”
  • In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”
  • In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
  • On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”
  • In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
  • In a classified ad: “Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”
  • In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”
  • On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
    “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
    – Sisters of Mercy”
  • Pinned to an Army barracks door: “Shut the door, stupid! Not you, sir.”
  • On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”
  • In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”
  • In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”
  • Bumper sticker seen on an Austin Mini: “The parts falling from this car are of the finest British workmanship.”
  • In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”
  • On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
  • On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

London Underground Announcements

Below are genuine announcements made by tube drivers, on the London Underground.

To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

**********************************************************

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): “Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I’m going home.”

**************************************************

“Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels”

**************************************************

“Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?” “The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card.”
“The bad news is that there is a point’s failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won’t reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won’t reverse back up the line – simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you.” “Let me start you off: “Hi, my name’s Gary how do you do?””

***********************************************

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any”.

***********************************************

“Please mind the closing doors…” The doors close…The doors open. “Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let’s try it again, shall we? Please stand clear of the doors.” The doors close… “Thank you.”

************************************************

“I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don’t know when we’ll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly…usually in bits.”

Travel Agent’s Tales

The following are actual stories provided by (American) travel agents:

  • I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
  • A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
  • I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one,I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa.” Her response … click.
  • A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
  • I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”
  • Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
  • A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very, very fast, and she bought that!
  • A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” she said. “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the Airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘looked into it’ (I was actually laughing,) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
  • I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”
  • A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
  • A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, “Look,I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
  • A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity

  • At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  • Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
  • Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  • Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  • Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
  • Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  • Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  • In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors.’
  • Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
  • Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
  • Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
  • Dont use any punctuation
  • As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
  • Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
  • Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3.”
  • Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  • Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
  • Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
  • Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.
  • Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
  • When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!”
  • When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
  • Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do.”
  • Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
  • Every time you see a broom, yell “Honey, your mother is here!”

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity….
Send this list to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Crazy Legal Cases

  • January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson’s son.
  • June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
  • October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
  • October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AK was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
  • May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
  • December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady’s room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.

Love to hear more of these…

Movie Humour

Things you would never know without the movies:

  • When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
  • If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade – at any time of year.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his (sic) star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
  • A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
  • All grocery bags contain at least one baguette.
  • It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
  • During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
  • The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
  • You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their families every morning even though their husbands and children never have time to eat it.
  • Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
  • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  • A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
  • Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
  • Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
  • It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  • It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  • When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
  • No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
  • Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
  • You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
  • Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
  • Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that they are aired.
  • No matter what the person(s) in the movie do for a living, everyone has a beautifully furnished, clean home, a new vehicle and a well-to-do wardrobe.
  • Everyone has a well-stocked liquor cabinet. The ice never seems to melt. It’s just always there.
  • If someone says, “I’ll be right back.” they won’t.
  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
  • Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  • Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
  • One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
  • Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  • When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
  • If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
  • Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
  • Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
  • During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  • If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

Beautiful Women

Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8:She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can’t go to school looking like this!)

Age 20: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short /too tall,too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going out anyway.

Age 30: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short / too tall,too straight/too curly” – but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it so she’s going out anyway.

Age 40: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,too straight/too curly” – but says,”At least, I am “clean” and goes out anyway.

Age 50: She looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70:She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends. Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier. Please send this to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women’s Month. If you do, something good will happen: you will boost another woman’s self esteem.

Microsoft Cars

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating(by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  • For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
  • Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  • Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  • Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought”Car95″ or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
  • The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
  • New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  • The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
  • Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
  • GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
  • Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  • You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

Dear Boss…

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

Signed, X

Cannibalism aka “Get to know the cleaners”

Five cannibals get appointed as consultants in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees”.

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared, however. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?”

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: “You FOOL! For four weeks we’ve been eating directors, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!”

Celebrate

A monk his entire adult life, Brother Andrew was responsible for training new scribes in the art of copying by hand — word for word — the holy writs. One day an eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake.

“Oh no,” said Brother Andrew. “These words have always been correctly copied from generation to generation.” Skeptical, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Andrew how he knew. “My son,” said Brother Andrew as he shuffled off toward the monastery’s library, “let me get you the first volume ever written, and you will see that it is just as correct today as it was then.”

Many hours passed. Finally Brother Jonathan decided he had better check on the elderly monk. At the library, he spotted Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. “What’s the matter?” Brother Jonathan asked.

“I can’t believe it,” Brother Andrew responded, his voice quivering with emotion. “The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!”

No Excuses for Church

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, my brother Frank’s Church is going to have a special No Excuse Sunday.

  • Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say that Sunday is the only day they can sleep in.
  • We will have steel helmets for those who say the roof would cave in if they ever came to church.
  • Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
  • We will have hearing aids for those who say the Pastor speaks too softly – and cotton for those who say he preached too loudly.
  • Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
  • Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays.
  • There will be TV dinners for those who can’t go to church and cook dinner too.
  • One section will be devoted to trees and grass for all those who like to seek God in nature.
  • Finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.

How to Handle Your Car

Rules and Regulations … OF THE ENGLISH MOTORWAYS

  • Please remember that the Highway Code is, in fact, incorrect. The left hand lane of the motorway should remain empty at all times, even when the other two lanes are bunged to the gills with cars.
  • Please remember to leave as little space as possible between yourself and the car in front, especially when driving at high speed (and preferably in the right hand lane) as this leads to multiple car pile-ups, about which the emergency services are perfectly happy.
  • If you wish to overtake a vehicle, under no circumstances should you move into the right hand lane unless there is only just enough space for your car between two other cars.
  • The indicators on your vehicle are, in fact, optional extras and should not be used at any time. This will only confuse other drivers as your indicators may not agree with the crystal ball on their dashboard.
  • When you require to leave the motorway, please ensure that you stay in the right hand lane until the last possible minute before winging your way to the exit.
  • When someone performs the action mentioned above, you should show your appreciation for them by honking your horn as loudly as possible.
  • On the rare occasions that the right hand lane is empty and you find it possible to travel at high speed, please ensure that you display your displeasure with anyone else who dares to cross into your lane by sitting two inches from their back bumper, honking your horn and flashing your lights.
  • When an accident occurs on the motorway, it is common practice to slow your vehicle down as much as possible in order that you may have a good look at the accident scene, thereby slowing everyone else up as well.
  • Never look in your mirrors before changing lanes – everyone knows that this is a silly thing to do as it may avoid an accident.
  • If the motorway is quiet, keep your car in the middle lane, even when only travelling at 40 mph.
  • Fog lights are a wonderful invention – everyone wishes to see them, but only if the weather is clear. Ensure that you switch them on and dazzle every other motorist.
  • Conversely, when there actually is fog, do not worry about switching on your normal vehicle lights, never mind your fog lights. All vehicles are fitted with radar as standard to enable to see your vehicle, even in the thickest pea-soup fog.

Haynes Manuals

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7…
Translation: That’ll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry…
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into…

Haynes: Undo…
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring…
Translation: “Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out”!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb…
Translation: OK – thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly…
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be ‘lightly’ what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks…
Translation: If it isn’t broken don’t fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance…
Translation: If it isn’t broken… it’s about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this… so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ‘ikkle number… but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more
use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova’s are easy to maintain right… right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a ‘regular car’ two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren’t you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK – but don’t expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this…
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress…
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering “bugger” repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect…
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife “Yep, as I thought, it’s going to need a new one”!

Haynes: Carefully…
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut…
Translation: Yes, that’s it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant…
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs…
Translation: Snap off…

Haynes: Using a suitable drift…
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn’t a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat…
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn’t moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun:
Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid – do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs – as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in “mine will never look like that…”

Flick to the end and look at the colour glow plug pictures, how do these compare to the glow plugs in your Mini? If you cannot locate the glow plugs in your Mini see the last translation on the list!

NB: Haynes Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist

British GCSE Mistakes

Following questions and answers were collated from some British GCSE exams in the 1990s. 16 year olds, in case you didn’t realise!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does varicose mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word judicious in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word benign mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

6th Grade History Test Results

The best humour is in the misspelling. Even funnier, read aloud to someone else!

  1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
  3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
  4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
  5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
  6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
  7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. While dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
  8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
  9. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
  10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
  12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  14. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
  15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
  16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
  17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
  18. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Identifying the (Post)Graduate Student

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A POSTGRADUATE STUDENT IF…

  • you can identify universities by their internet domains.
  • you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
  • you have difficulty reading anything that doesn’t have footnotes.
  • you understand jokes about Foucault.
  • the concept of free time scares you.
  • you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
  • you’ve ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
  • Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
  • the professor doesn’t show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
  • you’ve ever traveled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
  • you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
  • you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you’ll getover it).
  • you can read course books and cook at the same time.
  • you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
  • you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.
  • you’ve ever worn out a library card.
  • you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
  • you find yourself citing sources in conversation.
  • you’ve ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.
  • you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
  • your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
  • you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the internet.
  • you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to Read.
  • you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
  • you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
  • everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
  • you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
  • you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
  • there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider “yours.”
  • you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
  • you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
  • you look forward to summers because you’re more productive without the distraction of classes.
  • you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
  • you consider all papers to be works in progress.
  • professors don’t really care when you turn in work anymore.
  • you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
  • you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
  • you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
  • you reflexively start analyzing those Greek letters before you realize that it’s a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
  • you find yourself explaining to children that you are in “20th grade.”
  • you start referring to stories like “Snow White, et al.”
  • you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta withoutgetting scurvy.
  • you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
  • you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
  • you wonder whether APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as “personal communication”.

Yes – this might be Americanised, but do you realisise JUST how true some of this is! (My postgraduate project)

Student Mistakes

GRAMMAR SCHOOL STUDENTS ON MUSIC:

  • The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
  • Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
  • All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
  • Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven’s Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin’s Rap City in Blue.
  • Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
  • A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
  • Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
  • Probably the most marvellous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
  • A harp is a nude piano.
  • The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
  • I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.
  • Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

  • Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
  • Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
  • The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
  • Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
  • The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
  • The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
  • To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  • Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
  • The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
  • Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
  • A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  • A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
  • When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
  • For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  • For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
  • When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Miscellaneous:

“When you’re in a committed relationship and spend all of your time with one person, that’s called being magnanimous.”