2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world

To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

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At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): “Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I’m going home.”

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“Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels”

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“Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?” “The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card.”
“The bad news is that there is a point’s failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won’t reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won’t reverse back up the line – simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you.” “Let me start you off: “Hi, my name’s Gary how do you do?”"

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“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any”.

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“Please mind the closing doors…” The doors close…The doors open. “Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let’s try it again, shall we? Please stand clear of the doors.” The doors close… “Thank you.”

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“I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don’t know when we’ll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly…usually in bits.”

• I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
• A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
• I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one,I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa.” Her response … click.
• A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
• I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”
• Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
• A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very, very fast, and she bought that!
• A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” she said. “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the Airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘looked into it’ (I was actually laughing,) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
• I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”
• A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
• A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, “Look,I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
• A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity….
Send this list to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Love to hear more of these…

Things you would never know without the movies:

• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade – at any time of year.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
• The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his (sic) star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
• A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
• All grocery bags contain at least one baguette.
• It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
• You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their families every morning even though their husbands and children never have time to eat it.
• Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
• All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
• Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
• It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
• No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
• You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that they are aired.
• No matter what the person(s) in the movie do for a living, everyone has a beautifully furnished, clean home, a new vehicle and a well-to-do wardrobe.
• Everyone has a well-stocked liquor cabinet. The ice never seems to melt. It’s just always there.
• If someone says, “I’ll be right back.” they won’t.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
• Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
• One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
• Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
• When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
• If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
• Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
• Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
• During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
• If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

Age 8:She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can’t go to school looking like this!)

Age 20: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short /too tall,too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going out anyway.

Age 30: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short / too tall,too straight/too curly” – but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it so she’s going out anyway.

Age 40: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,too straight/too curly” – but says,”At least, I am “clean” and goes out anyway.

Age 50: She looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70:She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends. Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier. Please send this to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women’s Month. If you do, something good will happen: you will boost another woman’s self esteem.

• For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
• Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
• Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought”Car95″ or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
• The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
• The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
• Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
• Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
• You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.