Most of us have learned to live with voice mail, as now a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?
Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven. Please select one of the following options:
- Press 1 for Requests
- Press 2 for Thanksgiving
- Press 3 for Complaints
- Press 4 for all other enquiries
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
- God, press 1
- for Jesus, press 2
- for the Holy Spirit press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her National Insurance number, followed by the hash sign.
If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try STD code 666.
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N followed by the numbers 3 – 1 – 6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets and where Noah’s Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again on Monday after 9-30am.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local Pastor.
Thank you for calling Heaven and have a blessed day!
THANK GOD IT’S NOT LIKE THAT!
Dr Bex Lewis is passionate about helping people engage with the digital world in a positive way, where she has more than 20 years’ experience. She is Senior Lecturer in Digital Marketing at Manchester Metropolitan University and Visiting Research Fellow at St John’s College, Durham University, with a particular interest in digital culture, persuasion and attitudinal change, especially how this affects the third sector, including faith organisations, and, after her breast cancer diagnosis in 2017, has started to research social media and cancer. Trained as a mass communications historian, she has written the original history of the poster Keep Calm and Carry On: The Truth Behind the Poster (Imperial War Museum, 2017), drawing upon her PhD research. She is Director of social media consultancy Digital Fingerprint, and author of Raising Children in a Digital Age: Enjoying the Best, Avoiding the Worst (Lion Hudson, 2014; second edition in process) as well as a number of book chapters, and regularly judges digital awards. She has a strong media presence, with her expertise featured in a wide range of publications and programmes, including national, international and specialist TV, radio and press, and can be found all over social media, typically as @drbexl.