Movie Humour

Things you would never know without the movies:

  • When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
  • If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade – at any time of year.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his (sic) star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
  • A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
  • All grocery bags contain at least one baguette.
  • It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
  • During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
  • The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
  • You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their families every morning even though their husbands and children never have time to eat it.
  • Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
  • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  • A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
  • Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
  • Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
  • It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  • It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  • When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
  • No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
  • Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
  • You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
  • Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
  • Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that they are aired.
  • No matter what the person(s) in the movie do for a living, everyone has a beautifully furnished, clean home, a new vehicle and a well-to-do wardrobe.
  • Everyone has a well-stocked liquor cabinet. The ice never seems to melt. It’s just always there.
  • If someone says, “I’ll be right back.” they won’t.
  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
  • Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  • Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
  • One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
  • Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  • When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
  • If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
  • Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
  • Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
  • During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  • If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

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