Read the Signs

  • On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
  • Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
  • In a Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
  • On Maternity Room door: “Push, Push, Push.”
  • At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
  • At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
  • Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
  • Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
  • At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the next dents?”
  • In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”
  • In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
  • On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”
  • At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
  • On the side of a Garbage Truck: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”
  • On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”
  • In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”
  • Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”
  • In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.
  • A shop owner put this sign in his window, “Lovely glass paper-weights. The best way to keep your household bills down.”
  • Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”
  • In a repair shop: “We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.”
  • In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
  • On a bumper sticker: Keep honking, I’m reloading.
  • In a classified ad: “Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.”
  • In a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
  • At the dry cleaners: “We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.”
  • In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”
  • In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
  • On a roller coaster: “Watch your head.”
  • In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
  • In a classified ad: “Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”
  • In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”
  • On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
    “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
    – Sisters of Mercy”
  • Pinned to an Army barracks door: “Shut the door, stupid! Not you, sir.”
  • On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”
  • In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”
  • In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”
  • Bumper sticker seen on an Austin Mini: “The parts falling from this car are of the finest British workmanship.”
  • In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”
  • On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
  • On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

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