Heaven’s Voice Mail

What if Heaven started using Voice Mail?

Most of us have learned to live with voice mail, as now a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven. Please select one of the following options:

  • Press 1 for Requests
  • Press 2 for Thanksgiving
  • Press 3 for Complaints
  • Press 4 for all other enquiries

I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

  • God, press 1
  • for Jesus, press 2
  • for the Holy Spirit press 3

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her National Insurance number, followed by the hash sign.

If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try STD code 666.

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N followed by the numbers 3 – 1 – 6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets and where Noah’s Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

Please pray again on Monday after 9-30am.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local Pastor.

Thank you for calling Heaven and have a blessed day!