Tag: Joke

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Life(style)

How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity

  • At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  • Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
  • Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  • Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  • Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
  • Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  • Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  • In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors.’
  • Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
  • Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
  • Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
  • Dont use any punctuation
  • As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
  • Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
  • Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3.”
  • Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  • Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
  • Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
  • Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.
  • Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
  • When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!”
  • When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
  • Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do.”
  • Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
  • Every time you see a broom, yell “Honey, your mother is here!”

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity….
Send this list to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

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Life(style)

Crazy Legal Cases

  • January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson’s son.
  • June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
  • October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
  • October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AK was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
  • May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
  • December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady’s room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.

Love to hear more of these…

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Life(style)

Movie Humour

Things you would never know without the movies:

  • When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
  • If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade – at any time of year.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his (sic) star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
  • A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
  • All grocery bags contain at least one baguette.
  • It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
  • During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
  • The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
  • You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their families every morning even though their husbands and children never have time to eat it.
  • Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
  • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  • A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
  • Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
  • Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
  • It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  • It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  • When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
  • No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
  • Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
  • You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
  • Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
  • Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that they are aired.
  • No matter what the person(s) in the movie do for a living, everyone has a beautifully furnished, clean home, a new vehicle and a well-to-do wardrobe.
  • Everyone has a well-stocked liquor cabinet. The ice never seems to melt. It’s just always there.
  • If someone says, “I’ll be right back.” they won’t.
  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
  • Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  • Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
  • One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
  • Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  • When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
  • If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
  • Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
  • Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
  • During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  • If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
Categories
Life(style)

Beautiful Women

Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8:She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can’t go to school looking like this!)

Age 20: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short /too tall,too straight/too curly”- but decides she’s going out anyway.

Age 30: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short / too tall,too straight/too curly” – but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it so she’s going out anyway.

Age 40: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,too straight/too curly” – but says,”At least, I am “clean” and goes out anyway.

Age 50: She looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70:She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends. Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier. Please send this to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women’s Month. If you do, something good will happen: you will boost another woman’s self esteem.

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Life(style)

Microsoft Cars

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating(by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  • For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
  • Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  • Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  • Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought”Car95″ or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.
  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
  • The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
  • New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  • The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
  • Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
  • GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
  • Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  • You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.