Categories
Academic Life(style)

Academic Language

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of academia. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper.

  • IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN”… I didn’t look up the original reference.
  • “A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT”… These data are practically meaningless.
  • “WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS”… An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
  • “THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY”… The other results didn’t make any sense.
  • “TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN”… This is the prettiest graph.
  • “THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT”… I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
  • “IN MY EXPERIENCE”… Once.
  • “IN CASE AFTER CASE”… Twice.
  • “IN A SERIES OF CASES”… Thrice.
  • “IT IS BELIEVED THAT”… I think.
  • “IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT”… A couple of others think so, too.
  • “CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE”… Wrong.
  • “ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS”… Rumor has it.
  • “A statistically oriented projectION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS”… A wild guess.
  • “A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA”… Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
  • “IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS”… I don’t understand it.
  • “AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES”… They don’t understand it either.
    “THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS”… Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
  • “A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY”… A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
  • “IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD”… I quit.
Categories
Life(style)

What Women Want in a Man?

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady — splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet