Categories
Life(style)

Interviews

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. In a survey top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

1. “… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

2. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

3. ” A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

4. “… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

5. “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.”

6. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

7. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

8. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”

9. “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”

10. “… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

11. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

12. “While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”

13. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

14. “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.” He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more. “I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”

15. “His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”

16. “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

17. “… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security,”

18. “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

Categories
Academic Life(style)

British GCSE Mistakes

Following questions and answers were collated from some British GCSE exams in the 1990s. 16 year olds, in case you didn’t realise!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does varicose mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word judicious in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word benign mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Categories
Academic Life(style)

Student Mistakes

GRAMMAR SCHOOL STUDENTS ON MUSIC:

  • The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
  • Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
  • All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
  • Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven’s Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin’s Rap City in Blue.
  • Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
  • A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
  • Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
  • Probably the most marvellous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
  • A harp is a nude piano.
  • The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
  • I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.
  • Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

  • Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
  • Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
  • The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
  • Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
  • The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
  • The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
  • To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  • Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
  • The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
  • Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
  • A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  • A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
  • When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
  • For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  • For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
  • When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Miscellaneous:

“When you’re in a committed relationship and spend all of your time with one person, that’s called being magnanimous.”